It’s wedding season, and that means it’s time to start exercising your bachelorette party skills. In other words, get comfortable with penises, get to know some strippers, and prepare yourself to do semi-humiliating things in front of strangers. We do these things for our girlfriends because we love them, and it’s just what we do. But that doesn’t mean you have to think it’s normal. I certainly don’t. Here’s why.


When you walk into a bachelorette party, you have to assess the scene quickly and ask yourself, “What kind of bachelorette party is this? Am I going to be ripping my shirt off and doing body shots off Fabio, or am I going to be making golf claps while this chick opens baskets of candles and ‘naughty’ night gowns?” You might be able to tell by the invite, but you might not, which makes picking out what to wear or what to bring difficult. This is largely a problem for people on the fringe of the bride’s social group. But it can happen. And has happened. To me. (I was wearing a nice work dress, while the majority of guests were wearing belly-baring tank tops and tight shorts. And somehow I was the one who looked stupid.)



The first time I attended a bachelorette party with strippers, I thought it would be enjoyable, or at least amusing. I was not expecting it to be depressing, but it was. We made the mistake of talking to the stripper, getting to know him, hearing his sad stories, finding out that his mom didn’t know he was a stripper. While he ate pizza with us, he mentioned he had to have special pants tailored with side snaps so he could rip them off. I left that party in such a bummed out mood. I guess treating strippers like humans is a mistake. Guys don’t do this, do they?



Your bachelorette party will probably — no matter how hard you try to fight it — involve penis-shaped everything. Penis pasta, balloons, whistles, hats, ring pops, cakes, necklaces, straws, cocktail picks… I mean, even if you think penises are the funniest things on the planet, you will get blurry eyed around the time the penis ice luge comes around. I have been to bachelorette parties where I saw so many penis shaped things, I couldn’t even visualize what a penis looked like any more. A little too much penis on the brain.



You know, things can get a little nuts in a room of 30 high-strung, drunk girls surrounded by penis-everything. I usually find myself saying things I don’t usually say, like “oh my God, totally!” Also, my voice goes up about ten octaves. And someone ends up crying. When I leave I feel like I need to take a shower. Or, do something really dude-like. Like not take a shower.



Sometimes I have a hard time totally letting lose in a group of people I don’t know very well. So any time I am invited to a party where there will be naked men I’m expected to dance with, I like to know there are one or two friends who I know will be by my side. Going to a bachelorette party alone is terrifying and uncomfortable.



So, we’re talking about penises, I’m wearing a bra top, and I just took six shots of tequila. What is my best friend’s mom doing here? I’m uncomfortable.



My friend went to her (soon to be) sister-in-law’s bachelorette party and on the invitation it said to bring “something inappropriate.” What does that mean?! She felt gross buying something anything sex-related that her new sis would use … with her brother! … ugh! So she bought creams for various skin diseases (like boils) and adult diapers. Inappropriate, yet not sex-related. But still… ew! Why are we doing this?!



You might have to travel, pitch in for a limo, or buy your own bachelorette-themed clothing. This would be a lot if it weren’t for the wedding — but we haven’t even gotten to that yet. (And you probably already shelled out for the bridal shower, too.) I can think of a thousand things I’d rather spend $52 on than this Team Bride sweatshirt. (Which was actually a requirement at one of my friend’s bachelorettes.)



You will probably play games that you didn’t know were worth playing. (Probably because they’re not.) I once attended a party where the first activity was inflating a balloon and giving it a blow job. I’m sorry, why? Can I please, please go home now? I thought I got out of forced game-playing when I graduated 4th grade.



And oh my god, someone took a ton of photos. The next day, when your mobile device starts blowing up… “Betty added 49 pictures of you on Facebook” you know it’s time to start getting worried. And you should start getting worried. Let’s just hope there wasn’t any video.



You might have gone to the bachelorette party not knowing anyone, and their first impression is of you getting humped against the wall by a random stripper or wearing a penis mask. Then, weeks later, you are in your lady-dress outfit acting all proper in a church at the ceremony. This could be awkward for some people. (If not you, her.)


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